straight & fast

I remember yesterday, I ran a red light going at least 60 mph past it. Before this incident, I had just passed another intersection that was green and thought to myself, “I wonder if I’ll run a red light the next time just because.” As I approached the next lights, I just wasn’t thinking. I was heading towards it green, then it turned yellow, and then it turned red. I didn’t break until I had just made it to the white line and was already too far out to back up or stop, so I just ran it. I don’t know why I did it, but I wasn’t thinking a single thing.

A couple minutes later, the recent event just dawned on me. I could’ve died and I just ran a red light ironically thinking to myself before it happened. The thought didn’t trouble me at all. I only turned whatever crappy radio music up and drove one handed while resting my arm against the window and my hand touching my head. It didn’t scare me how reckless I was but only made me mad. I could’ve died, but it didn’t scare me.

Further driving down the road, it made me think of my one of my favorite novels. In Looking for Alaska by John Green, Alaska drives headfirst into a truck, instantly killing herself. Her group of friends tries to figure out if it was a suicide or accident. They have all these theories that it was an accident because she was drunk and that she was so buzzed that she couldn’t see anything and then that it was a suicide because she was hysterical and emotional before she went to drive, and she saw the car accident as a way out of whatever she was feeling. I fully think that it wasn’t a suicide or an accident, but the same thing I experienced.

She wasn’t thinking and it just happened. There’s no mystery to it, but some things just happen and we can’t take them back or redo them. They happen and we just let it happen and accept it. It isn’t easy, but it’s inevitable and happens. These things happen straight and fast. There’s no explanation to why and no way to stop it because you blink and it’s over.

Don’t read me wrong, I’m not suicidal or a risky driver. I don’t want to die and enjoy my life very much because I have made it the best it could be and making it even better. I drive cautiously and am aware of what I am doing and considerate of others, making sure everyone goes home safe. This red light just made me think of life itself and finally understanding my favorite novel.

Sometimes you are so in the moment, and things happen. They’re good or they’re bad and you might not understand why except that it happened and they happen so fast that nothing else could’ve prevented the event. An explanation isn’t always necessary and once it’s done, the only thing we can do is accept it, forgive, and keep moving. I think that’s the beauty of life, it doesn’t always need a reason, it just has to happen to make it worthwhile.

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