I’m at an interesting crosspoint in my life. I’ve experienced a lot in my years, but haven’t done enough. I’m working towards a goal, but have had many successes. I’m educated but haven’t learned enough.
Before I tell you anything else in this post, I’m happy, I can even say joyous in myself. I’m happy in how I feel about myself and what I’ve accomplished. I’m happy in what I can do and what more I could do. I have brought myself joy and went through a great change to better myself and situation.
However, I’m still working towards something more. I’m not satisfied with where I am and what I’m doing. I don’t want to settle for anything less, but to make the most of who I am, what I can do, and where I am. I’m in this crosspoint where I’m young but also old. Where I am uncertain, but also determined. Where I’m frustrated, but at peace. Where I’m lost, but also on a path.
I graduated from high school a couple months ago and was honestly sick. I was tense and tried to hold onto temporary things. I was so mad that I broke things, even myself. I remember my English teacher pulling me aside and telling me that he noticed that I had become so thin. Of course, the first reaction was to lie, but that’s what I had done that whole year, lie about how I felt and who I was. Most people were not going to be honest, but I was sick and tired. I told him how I was feeling now and the reasons why I had lost weight. Only now do I realize how toxic high school is from the words and emotions that had weighed me down most of that year.
I wasn’t happy at that point and thought the world was and had conspired against me to be miserable. I was sick of my life and everything in it and wanted to begin again. I wanted the last three months prior to graduation to have never happened. I never wanted to see that damn high school again or the people. I wanted to move on and never look back. I was so sick of it.
Yet, I still held onto meaningless relationships, memories, and places. I was working retrospectively to a time where I was happy. That’s the thing about nostalgia; it tricks into thinking times were better than they actually are. Sure I have happy memories, but they were only happy because it was good then, but they wouldn’t still be happy if I had lived them over and over again. Change happens. Happy then isn’t happy now.
Life isn’t stagnant, it changes and we can choose to change with it or be defeated by it. I picked change. And I don’t look back. I keep in contact with a few people, and that’s good enough. I work towards my accomplishments and give no one else blame or credit but myself. I explore something new every day instead of keeping a routine. I’m doing things, I am changing every day.
The place I’m at isn’t ideal in any way. What I’m currently doing at this place isn’t great in any way either. I’m working towards a purpose, but I’m asking myself if this college degree will get me this idea of success and happiness most people connotate with it. It’s work and I’m physically exhausted in trying to do that work, but that’s not the thing asking me if I should quit, but it’s what do I really want in life? College, career, marriage, family, retirement, nostalgia, the afterlife. Well anyone can accomplish that. It’s orthodox, it’s expected. I want experiences. I want adventure. I want the unexpected. I want to travel the world and learn lessons elsewhere from the classroom. I want to eat foods I can’t pronounce. I want to meet people I would’ve never thought to live in such a way. I want to sit still and look up at a clear sky with the stars and open sky. I’m passionate about many things and curious about everything else. I don’t want to be tied down to societal expectations or by anything. I want to be free. I want to be in the moment.
This isn’t about finding myself, but this is about living. I don’t want to follow a path, I want to make my own path. I want to be myself in a world moving around me.
Most importantly I’ve realized I never want to settle, but be satisfied.